


Can't Let Go

by brdbee



Series: Can't Let Go [2]
Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M, There so much crying involved god why, idk why i keep writing, topri
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-04-27
Packaged: 2018-06-04 20:10:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6673879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brdbee/pseuds/brdbee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seunghyun won't give up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Let Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [blinking_post](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blinking_post/gifts).



     Seunghyun took advantage of the fact that Seungri couldn't push him away during public performances and any time there was a camera around. They couldn't have gotten caught at a better- or worse- time in Seunghyun's opinion. Fanmeetings were approaching where Seunghyun would actually be present before he had to leave. Maybe he would snap a few pictures of Seungri sleeping, share them to the world just so they knew Seungri was still his little fish. He should have known Seungri would figure out ways to get away from common areas, but as soon as they were on stage- Seungri had nowhere to go.

     He reverted back to the old attitude of bullying Seungri with everyone to the point that all Seungri had left to do was force a grin from his lips, and scream his laughter into the microphone just to show that nothing could get to him. Seunghyun, however, was determined to get a reaction out of him, even if that just a frustrated and angry confrontation in the dressing room later. Seunghyun felt rebellious about everthing, unstopabble because soon enough he would only have to spend two years in the country before he could spend the rest of his life staring at art, travelling to it, and admiring it. But.. he wanted Seungri to be there for all of it. To share it with Seungri and ask him to drink different types of wine, cave in when Seungri begged for a bottle of beer and junk food when he got tired of the fancy dinners. That was what he had visualized, that was all he wanted.

     Nobody else knew of course. So even though the rest of them had noticed a significant change between Seungri and Seunghyun they didn't question it. No one except for Jiyong who demanded to know if had fought with Seungri and wanted to know when Seunghyun would stop being a jerk and apologize because it was really bringing him down as well. "Sometimes I'm responsive to the vibes around me," Jiyong shrugged. "It might not seem like it most times lately, you know since I ignore Seungri's phone calls almost all of the time but I really care about him. And how he's feeling."

     Seunghyun had only shrugged his shoulders because he didn't know what to say. There were reasons for Seungri to apologize to Seunghyun as well. When he got that phone call he pleaded that Seungri reconsider. Desperately trying to talk over him as Seungri listed all these fucking reasonable excuses as to why they should break up but the worst of them all had been when Seungri said-

     "Maybe you think it will be fine because you're older." _Ouch._ "And you have enough to just leave and live comfortable with all the things you love-" _not all things._ "Hyung, but I don't."

     "What?" Seunghyun felt frustrated when he heard that because although it was true that he felt stable enough for his future he didn't like the way Seungri made it sound. Like he wouldn't take care of him just as good as he took care of himself.

     "I mean that maybe this is a good thing," Seungri sighed. "I need to focus on becoming more than I already am and-"

     "More than you already are?" Seunghyun cut him off. "Seungri, you're _everything_."

     Neither of them made the joke and Seunghyun only heard Seungri's quiet breath. "I'm hanging up," Seungri said quietly but Seunghyun could easily spot the pained emotion under his voice now. Seungri was hurting. He didn't protest but only because he didn't have time to.

     "I'm not giving up," Seunghyun said to himself as they waited in a room to go on stage. He watched Seungri holding still as multiple people fussed around his clothes and hair just to make sure it was fine enough because Seungri had been hiding himself away, away from Seunghyun. He could hear the MC speaking, probably introducing them, Seunghyun didn't ever know when people were speaking different languages. That was another reason why he needed Seungri, he was the one that would order food for them every time they were in a new place. Seungri always found a way to do it.

     If there was a time when he could bother Seungri during the fanmeet he did it. Kneeling on the floor just so he could make finger hearts at him, climbing on top of him during a BIGBANG burger, kicking him. God, he really was like a child trying to show someone that he liked them. Not to mention the onslaught of text messages he sent about anything that he could think about. And he knew Seungri kept reading them, he knew because he probably just saw them before putting it away and running off to party with someone else. Which was something he always thought was pretty cute.

     When there was no reason for Seungri to be forced in the same place with them Seunghyun still thought about him. He would sit back, open his Instagram account and just think. He remembered when Seungri would let him shower images of himself all over the fans. Calling him things like his young master and little fish.

     It's a week before Seunghyun has to leave for Germany to film a movie he suddenly resents because it means he won't be able to run after Seungri in an attempt to get him back. He is nervous, because Seungri isn't spending time anywhere that he knows of. Maybe he's away with his Japanese friends, partying, drinking, playing games with people. Doing all of those things and none of them are with him. So he's surprised when he peeks out of his hotel room and sees Seungri struggling with a few bags. Even from this distance he can smell the food that must be inside of them and his stomach, despite the fact that he just ate a salad, rumbles loudly.

     It seems that Seungri heard him, which would have made him feel embarrassed but he was feeling shameless since their break up. All Seungri did was raise his eyebrow, but Seunghyun knew what that meant. He could almost hear Seungri's sarcastic voice asking, "Hungry much?" Seunghyun had the sense to smile sheepishly, bowing his head before moving forward to offer his help to Seungri. The maknae seemed hesitant for a moment before he handed Seunghyun one of his bags.

     "Which number?" Seunghyun gestured with his free hand.

     "It's the one at the end of the hall," Seungri muttered, glancing around nervously as if he expected there to be cameras waiting around the corner to see what the two of them were up to.

     "Okay," Seunghyun nodded, moving forward to stand next to the door, waiting for Seungri to open it. He wasn't sure if he should go inside, so he kept just two steps outside of the front door. When Seungri kept walking without turning back to look at Seunghyun or saying anything, the latter stepped inside and closed the door behind him. "Having a party?"

     "Maybe," Seungri muttered, setting down his bag and immediately digging inside of it, pulling out different containers. "I just... went outside and realized I hadn't had anything to eat for the past two days."

     "That's crazy," Seunghyun said, furrowing his brows and helping Seungri unpack the other bag. "Why didn't you eat?"

     "I'm not sure," Seungri shrugged, his eyes were lowered the whole time, a small sad smile on his lips. "I just didn't think about it."

     "You do look like you've lost some weight," Seunghyun nodded, his brows furrowing.

     "Yeah? Maybe people will finally shut up then," Seungri said and Seunghyun raised his eyebrows at the bitter tone of his voice. As far as he had known, Seungri hadn't taken any of those comments seriously, joking about them even when he had the chance to do it. He saw Seungri's lips purse together tightly and his hand lifted just for a moment. He was going to reach out and pat his head but he stopped short.

     "I like it when you have a little bit of extra skin on you," Seunghyun said.

     "Mm."

     "And I like it too when you don't," he could feel himself slowly putting his foot in his mouth.

     They worked quietly for a few minutes as they unpacked the food and when it was finally spread out on the table, Seunghyun wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. Should he leave? Seungri didn't say anything as he sat down but Seunghyun could see angry tears pooling in his eyes. He just couldn't leave Seungri like that.

     "Mind if I join you?" Seunghyun asked.

     "Go ahead," Seungri said. "I probably shouldn't eat all of this by myself anyway."

     He dug around the side dishes and meat quietly for a few minutes. It was so typical for them to run back to Korean food as soon as they felt sad or homesick. Even if they had been in Paris right now, Seunghyun was sure the both of them would travel hours just to find a place that could give them something familiar. He couldn't ignore it any longer when he heard the sniffles from Seungri, raising his eyes to watch him as he stuffed as much food as he could into his mouth, wiping his eyes every few seconds with his sleeves.

     Seunghyun swallowed the piece of meat that was in his mouth before pushing back his chair to sit closer to Seungri. Seungri avoided looking up at him, blinking a few times and continuing to put food in his mouth although it was already full. Usually Seunghyun would tease him about the chipmunk cheeks he was getting, but at the moment he wasn't sure what to say. To be fair, he always panicked when he saw any type of tears on Seungri's face. It didn't matter if they were tears of joy or not.

     He eyed the door and considered making a run for it but then he remembered that he was trying to get Seungri back. Instead he reached for Seungri and took the chopsticks from his hands, putting them down and sliding away any of the plates that were in front of Seungri. He watched the maknae chew and swallow his food.

     "What's on your mind?" He finally asked when Seungri had swallowed down everything, handing him a napkin and wiping his eyes for him when Seungri didn't take it.

     "Nothing," Seungri replied, shaking his head quickly.

     "You can't say that to me when you're crying your eyes out, Seungri," Seunghyun sighed, moving his chair closer, reaching out to catch the few teardrops slipping from Seungri's eyes with his fingertips. "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

     Seungri was quiet for a few minutes and Seunghyun didn't push him because he recognized the expression Seungri was making as one where he was thinking things through. He had made the exact same expression when they had a conversation about their feelings for the first time. He had that expression when Seunghyun took him to a museum to show him his favorite art piece at the moment and he knew Seungri was trying to understand it the way Seunghyun did.

     "It's not fair," Seungri finally choked out, clearing his throat so his voice wouldn't crack any further. "What happened... it's not fair." Seunghyun kept silent, reaching to rub Seungri's back gentle as he continued to speak. "I just didn't think something extreme like that would happen. I could have never imagined the two of us splitting that way you know? And.. and the things he said to me, hyung."

     "Who?"

     "You know who," Seungri sighed, his head falling forward. "I don't know what he said to you but he... he blamed everything on me. Like I was the one that had started our relationship, like I somehow fooled you into becoming closer to me, tricked you into liking me. It hurt to hear all that because..." his words were becoming faster and breathless as he continued and Seunghyun wanted to remind him to breathe but he didn't do anything. "Because you were one of the things I was most grateful for at that moment. And it was all ruined. And I could be threatening everything you were working for just because I wanted us to be together even if it was just for a moment."

     Seungri pushed his bangs away from his hair and Seunghyun's lips pursed when he realized the maknae hadn't taken the time to remove the extensions they would put on him just so his hair looked a bit better, longer. Seungri couldn't stand them outside of the stage because he said they felt too fake. His hair was already dry and fried enough for his liking.

     "And I knew he wasn't going to say something like that to you," Seungri continued, pursing his lips as another round of tears began. "I knew he wasn't going to say that to you because for whatever reason he takes extra care to be harsher with me than he needs to be. And maybe there was a time when I thrived on that type of feedback but I didn't... I didn't appreciate it this time.

     "But he was right, hyung," Seungri continued. "He was right because it was stupid. What we were doing was stupid and it could have ruined everything. It still could. Those pictures could still come out and it would just make people think I'm a bigger mistake than they already claim I am. When we first got together I thought I could keep you by my side for a long time but we were careless and that time was cut short."

     "It wasn't your fault, Seungri," Seunghyun sighed. "I should have just dropped you off but I insisted on walking you all the way to the gates. It wasn't your fault."

     "But you keep following me anyway," Seungri said, his brows furrowing and he hit the table with his fist. "You keep following me like you don't care what he said to us, like you aren't afraid of what could happen to our careers and... I wish I could be the same way. But I can't... because I'm afraid."

     They were both silent for a few minutes, and Seungri, exhausted finally leaned against Seunghyun. He had heard everything Seungri had to say, but Seunghyun had to admit he was finally feeling at peace after a long time. He wrapped his arm around Seungri, holding him close as the maknae let out a few shaken breaths and sighs, remainders of sobs that weren't let out.

     "Are you really that afraid?" Seunghyun asked.

     "Yes."

     "Then... there's no chance you would want us to go back to what we had?"

     "They're not the same thing," Seungri finally said after a long pause. "Of course I would want it back."

     "Then let's go back to it," Seunghyun said. "We'll be more careful."

     Seungri stood from the chair abruptly, pushing Seunghyun's hand away as he moved to the furthest corner of the room he could find. Seunghyun could spot a few more tears dragging their way down Seungri's cheeks slowly and he was frustrated at the fact that he couldn't seem to stop them no matter what he did. Seunghyun had done his fair share of crying the past month but he had finally gotten it under control and now he simply couldn't deal with the possibility that Seungri had been tearing up this way every time he was alone.

      _Fuck everyone_ , he thought bitterly to himself. Why should people care about what he did? Why should people care about what Seungri did? How Seungri felt? If Seungri ate too much every few months? Why did anyone have the right to care about whether or not they had a relationship? And fuck the people that thought they had a right to out them just because they happened to have a camera handy. He wouldn't be surprised if they had kept their own copies of the pictures because Seungri was right. There was always a possibility of it coming out. Seunghyun realized it didn't matter if they were together or not if it happened. He realized that it could happen tomorrow or even in seven years when things could be different. Seungri could have tried to lead a "normal" life and maybe on his wedding day the pictures would come out to the public, humiliating him and his bride.

     "Seungri," Seunghyun said. "You said it yourself just now. Those pictures could still be released one day."

     "Huh?" Seungri asked, confused as he lifted his gaze to meet Seunghyun's after he had wiped his cheeks clean.

     "They still could, Seungri," Seunghyun repeated. "So what's stopping us? What's stopping us from just going with it and knowing we might have to deal with them one day? Maybe by then we will be living somewhere else where no one but the few fans of that city will care we're there? Where people are slightly more open-minded and won't give a shit if the two of us continue with our relationship. If they could come back to haunt us any moment... what's stopping us from just living life the way we want to right now?"

     He could see that he was starting to get to Seungri because there was a softer look in Seungri's eyes suddenly as he thought about it more and more.

     "We can do that?" Seungri asked.

     Seunghyun didn't bother on answering, walking over to Seungri and nodding, reaching to grip his nervous fingers. Seungri's eyes were swollen and red, his cheeks flushed and lips pursed outward into a permanent pout since his crying began. Seunghyun swore he had never seen Seungri look more beautiful than right at that moment.

     "Can I kiss you?" Seunghyun asked.

     "Yeah."

     He cupped Seungri's face gently in his hands, using his thumbs to brush away the remainder of the tears on his cheeks, pressing their lips together tenderly because he knew that was what Seungri needed at that moment. He could feel all the tension slowly drop away from both of them and he knew everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> to blinking_post because they half inspired me to give this weird half fic thing a better ending.


End file.
